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mosaic pattern in a place in India.

Boundaries

One of the hardest parts of “adulting” is placing boundaries when you need them. The more important the person, the harder the work.

They say in coaching that you get the clients that you need. I wonder if that’s true with all relationships. Our child needed–and still needs–parents with a much more rigid line than we like to take. We had to focus on absolute consistency. It provided safety and scaffolding. The scaffolding included a nonnegotiable bedtime. Clear expectations and visible consequences. Without these boundaries, our lives would fall into chaos, and we would suffer the consequences of a miserable child.

The same is true for the business world. I had a client recently tell me, “I think my staff is waiting for me to make some rules. They will be relieved when I do.” And even with that knowledge, it’s still hard to do.

I don’t like that part of relationships—parenting, friendships, business. I don’t want to be the “heavy.” I don’t like rigid rules myself. I find myself putting my energy toward wishing that I didn’t need to do this important work –why can’t the other person change so I don’t have to do the work?

The paradox is with boundaries is that the tough up-front work is what sets us free. They can give us back our energy long term instead of handing it away over and over because we didn’t do the work.

Holding the boundaries requires self-care. Enough energy to do what might be harder up front but takes care of issues down the line. Remembering the boundaries and keeping them firm.

What boundaries and tough conversations are you avoiding? How does that serve you? You know it’s a big one if you hit an emotional block –queasy stomach, resentment, discomfort. Huge signs that your boundaries needs some adjustment. Avoiding the tough conversations doesn’t make them go away, they just get buried in our selves and multiply. We carry our unfinished work into all of the other relationships in our lives.

Be curious about all of those clear signs from your body that there’s some tough work to do. And you might not want to go it alone.

Red tin star

Beware of Red Tin Stars

We romanticize our past. Often what we remember is a story we tell ourselves, bloated with nostalgia-what we wish had happened. These memories can hold us back from embracing today. We find ourselves longing for a moment that never actually happened. It keeps us stuck in previous ways of being instead of taking the brave steps toward an unknown future that is bigger than we could ever know.

My friend BJ shared with me the story of her red tin star-a Christmas tree ornament she longed to retrieve from her ex-husband. She remembered it as antique, with beautiful dappled light peeking out. It carried great sentimental value, and she longed to have it in her new home. When BJ received the star, it was nothing like she had remembered. It was cheap plastic. A shell of the memory she held in her head.

Since that moment, BJ uses the phrase Red Tin Stars when she finds herself thinking longingly of what once was. It helps her to realize that each memory has many versions–stories of nostalgia, stories of happiness, and stories of regret.

Rather than looking back to memories that might fail us, we can stay present in what we can build today. The Red Tin Star reminds us that what we remember as sweet and perfect has all the flaws of any moment. Better to find gratitude in this day and build toward a future that shines bright just as we hope it can.

Ready to make the most of today? Contact me for a free coaching session to see what it feels like to make time for the growth you have been desiring. dana@danamitralnet

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