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Inner Critics and the enneagram

I speak a lot about inner critics—the demons in our head that hold us back from greatness. They are protective mechanisms that may have served us once upon a time but now hold us back.

I recently learned about an inner critic framework that helps to articulate the common types of saboteurs—the disabling thought patterns that trip us up. Reading through his content, I found that the types of saboteurs discussed by Shirzad Chamine map directly onto the nine types of the enneagram (discussed in my previous blog).

Looking at the saboteur assessment helped me to see how the enneagram can deepen an assessment of my own limiting beliefs. Below, I map the enneagram types to Chamine’s descriptions in the saboteur assessment.

Enneagram TypeEnneagram descriptionSaboteur
One: ReformerIdealistic, rational, moralistic, principledStickler/Judge-  rigid and absolute; highly critical of self and of others; perfectionist
Two: HelperCaring, connected, people-pleasing, generousPleaser–  strong need to be liked; doesn’t express needs directly; martyrdom
Three: AchieverSuccess-oriented, drivenHyper Achiever—workaholic; avoids feelings through performance; worthiness is only possible through accomplishment
Four: IndividualistExpressive, withdrawn, sensitiveVictim– misunderstood, isolated, envious, dramatic
Five: InvestigatorCerebral, data driven, isolated, perceptiveHyper Rational-frustrated by emotion, skeptical and cynical; feels misunderstood
Six: LoyalistCommitted, security-focused, responsible, anxiousHyper-Vigilant- anxious, expecting danger, suspicious
Seven: EnthusiastSpontaneous, fun loving, distractibleRestless—easily distracted, stays busy, seeks to escape pain
Eight: ChallengerLeader, confident, confrontationalController—willful, confrontational, surprised that others are hurt by conflict; angry and intimidating
Nine: PeacemakerConflict resistant, self-effacing, easy goingAvoider– resists conflict and discomfort, downplays own needs and deflects, passive aggressiveness; superficiality due to avoiding

Looking at the chart, consider what common patterns emerge for you that stop you from being vulnerable, from feeling all of the emotions, and from facing fear instead of avoiding it. Ready to tackle those fears? A coach can guide your way.

Love each other by learning about each other

With Valentine’s Day coming soon, relationship and personality frameworks are a great opportunity to learn more about all of your loved ones.

I have always been fascinated by frameworks that explain why we are similar and different to others. Both Meyers Briggs and Enneagram are frameworks—a way to communicate a lot of information in a simpler package. A framework is as good as it resonates key concepts well. Any framework emphasizes some things and ignores others. Comparing the two assessments,  the Meyer’s Briggs is more about your innate tendencies whereas Enneagram tends to come from your upbringing—early childhood experiences that caused wounds.

The Meyer’s Briggs assessment is be the most commonly used. The framework focuses on four cognitive aspects of a person—energy, information, decisions, and organization.

Yet I found that I like the Enneagram even more for understanding how we related to one another. I believe that the Enneagram can be a tool for building empathy toward others.

Reading about the nine types helped me to understand why friends and family make the choices they do, and how they see the world differently than me. Embracing this multiplicity of perspectives helps to embrace that our ways of seeing differ and the meaning we gain from experiences varies greatly.

These types of frameworks can help in all types of relationships. In business settings, they can help to dissolve conflict between team members and also help to maximize the strengths of others. In friendships, they can help to heal wounds due to ignorance or different ways of seeing. In parenting, they can help us to build up our kids and to help them navigate through their blind spots.

In romantic relationships, often one pairs with someone with a different set of strengths An entire industry of products and memes exist showing the ways that love can be expressed by enneagram type.

I’m an ENFJ—extroverted, intuitive/big picture, feeling, judging. With the enneagram, I find myself fitting with types 1 and 8–the reformer and the leader. y partner is an Enneagram 9, ISTJ. His patience and peacemaking calm my energy. His attention to details helps me to turn my big ideas into actions that can actually make a difference. I stretch him into more experiences than he might choose alone. 32 years and counting, we complete each other.

Get that stress outta your body

We may think that we are “over” something happens to us. But our bodies might never get the message. Our brains and our bodies don’t always talk to one another. To be free of a difficult event, we might need to midwife that stressor out of ourselves.

In our brains, the actual stressor is separate from the stress. The cognitive brain thinks that if a stressful situation is complete, the moment is over. But Emily & Amelia Nagoski demonstrate that the stress response does not know to stop the emotions of fear, grief, and shame.

Brain scans are teaching us that emotions are chemical reactions that affect every organ of the body. While we tend to think of ourselves as highly rational, this neuroscience research show us all to be highly emotional, with the cognitive brain not having any ability to “control” these emotions.

Stuck emotions in our bodies show up as health issues including anxiety, depression, high blood pressure, and infection. They lead us to numb ourselves through harmful behaviors such as overeating and substance abuse. And they work their way into our relationships when we blame others for the unsettled emotions stuck inside ourselves.

Friends, we’ve gotta get that nasty stuff out of our bodies. The scientific phrase for this process is “attending to the stress response itself.” Viewing these triggers as a gift or recognition of the work that needs to be done. It is only by moving through the dark parts of ourselves that we can feel free enough to be the fullest version of oneself.

Getting rid of the stress response involves intentionally releasing trapped energy in your body. All processes for doing so involve tapping into your body:

-Spend five minutes taking slow, deep breaths. Even better, try a version of yogic breathing.

Laugh or cry heartily until you feel a release.

-Drum with the intention of pulling heavy vibrations into lighter vibrations. You can just use your thighs and your hands to shift your energy, as Jim Donovan teaches.

Seek out a loved one to hug. Tightly. For at least thirty seconds.

Get a massage or other body work. Use a foam roller to massage yourself–notice where you have tightness, sore spots and lean into them.

Trauma is the deepest version of bodies embedding stress responses. When it feels like the inner critic cannot let go and the emotions feel much bigger than an immediate situation at hand, it might signal that an underlying trauma. If paralysis, fear, sadness feels bigger than one can handle, it is an opportunity to work with a helping professional to move through these experiences toward a path of healing.The memories of the trauma will never disappear, but they can become a part of one’s history and rather than taking hostage of the present.

Mentors Support Your Path

Professional mentors  can help to reduce isolation and increase connectedness. Through a process of mutual respect and advice, a mentor relationship provides strong ways to build community in a profession. Effective mentors speak clearly and openly about power dynamics. They can talk explicitly about bias and advise on paving the way with critical research agendas critical scholarship that focus marginalized and vulnerable populations.

It is important to form your own chosen team of support for your professional goals. No single person can fill all of the roles that a person needs. Seek out people who seem like a great fit for your personal needs.  Mentors can provide information and introductions to colleagues. They can provide information on the unspoken rules of the academy. They might speak openly regarding political guidance and social capital. Some provide opportunities; others provide a space for confidential conversations.  Mentors can take on various personalities—what I categorize as confidants, political insiders, connecters, sponsors, and hired.

Types of Mentors

ConfidantOffers confidential space for asking messy questions
Political InsiderExplains the politics and unspoken rules of an institution  
ConnecterBrings people together  
SponsorProvides formal and informal opportunities for career advancement
HiredGuarantees time and energy focused on your professional needs

Confidants allow space for asking questions. They are comfortable with emotion and a lack of clarity. They do not judge struggle but instead provide a source of support. A senior professor who also held administrative responsibilities was my “safe place to land” as an assistant professor. An older woman with a background as a guidance counselor, I could shut the door and be messy while processing a difficult conversation with a colleague. She was my advocate and I trusted my ability to share my worries and mistakes with her. 

Political insiders understand the dynamics between colleagues and help to explain the unwritten codes of an institution. Savvy, experienced colleagues, these individuals know how processes and politics truly work. I met regularly with a seniorfemale faculty member of color to understand the politics of my program, including who did not get along with whom. I shared my tenure dossier with her as well since she previously had served on the college promotion and tenure committee, and she gave me pointed advice about how to improve my work. She even advised me, “If you are going to have another kid, have it as quickly as possible. You don’t want a new baby in your fourth or fifth year.”  All of her advice was heartfelt, sincere and golden. I trusted her implicitly.

Connecters. Some mentors introduce you to others and build relationships. My former advisor from graduate school had many research assistants and little time to work with them individually. She built a community structure that included an expectation that students would train and support each other—not just current students but former students as well. She hosted a dinner each year at our discipline’s annual meeting. The dinner served as a space to build and to renew ties with the diaspora of academics who shared the experience of working at the same research center at some point in time. This group of professors continues to remain my strongest network of colleagues as I have moved through my professional career—long past the time that our former advisor retired.

Sponsors will suggest your name for important roles and vouch for you. In my first year on the tenure track, a senior professor invited me to write a chapter for the very prestigious yearbook that he was editing—far before I had established a reputation in my field. He also added me to the associate editors of his journal. He told me what business meetings and associations I should attend and then introduced me to the people that he felt I needed to know at these meetings with a strong endorsement.  I ended up on the executive committee of this association and drew upon my connections in this association for many of my outside letters.

Hired. Often mentor support is not enough to meet all of the needs you might have professionally. A career-coaching model can lead to greater persistence and retention of individuals pursuing academic careers. Coaches and academic consultants can come from a variety of paths to provide their services. One noted affiliation for coaches is membership in the International Coaching Federation (icf.org).  Academic coaches and consultants provide a sounding board, feedback, advice on publishing, research, office politics, time management, goal setting, and work life balance, among other issues. Some focus specifically on improving academic writing. Others focus on leadership for when faculty transition to formal administrative work. Others focus more on coaching—focusing on how individuals have a sense of wisdom on the inside that they can draw up on to find guidance during tough decision processes.

Choosing a coach

The extra time and space of 2020 is a time to plant seeds for a new way of being once we are out of this pandemic. I expect beautiful blooms to spread across this planet as we re-engage after such a time of collective dormancy. Many of us have come to some pretty big “a-has” about how they want to live life differently as we are beginning to see light at the end of this long tunnel. Choosing a coach to help you along this journey might be the best gift to give yourself in this new year. It seems that there are all kinds of people hanging out a shingle, calling themselves a coach. I encourage you to interview a few coaches before settling on the one that is a best fit for you. I offer some guideposts for discerning quality of training, depth of experience, and fit with your needs.

COACH QUALITY

Ask any prospective coach about the training they have received. The International Coaching Federation is the professional association for coaches. The federation includes a list of coaching programs that it has verified as high quality training. If your potential coach does not have training from one of these high-quality programs, ask why and consider whether the training that they received instead is sufficient. High quality training has received rigorous external review process. These programs have demonstrated that the curriculum aligns with the ICF “definition of coaching, Core Competencies and Code of Ethics.” Training should include enough hours of learning to be a deep and substantial program. The program also should include a certain number of clinical hours that allow for sufficient practice and feedback as a coach.

COACH EXPERIENCE

Ask prospective coaches about the scope of their experience, including certifications received. The ICF offers levels of certification–Associate Certified Coach, Professional Certified Coach, and Master Certified Coach. Each level of certification requires a set number of clinical hours coached, plus a required number of professional development hours of additional training. Certified coaches must also engage in many hours of supervision–sharing coaching sessions with a higher ranked coach to receive feedback and paths for improving one’s practice. Again, if your prospective coach is not certified by the ICF or otherwise, find out why.

COACH CHEMISTRY

Assess the vision of your coach with your needs. What is the emphasis of the work that your potential coach provides? Does her background resonate with your professional career? Your spiritual faith? Your background? Perhaps you want someone with similar identities to you; perhaps you want someone with a very different outlook. Have a meaningful conversation with your prospective coach on what they value in a coaching relationship and what their ideal client looks like. Feel the chemistry and see if it will inspire you to stretch into your best version of yourself.

vision board image

Visioning what 2021 can be….

If there was every a time for making a vision board, I would suggest that now is it. You have the time. You have the desire for next year to be better than this one. Time to lean in the magic of manifesting what can be.

I’ve run Vision Board workshops all across the country. Each opportunity is a gift of seeing clients light up with possibility. I invite you to engage in this exercise yourself. Perhaps you do it with your family. Or on zoom with good friends. Light a candle. Make a favorite beverage, and drive in to possibility!

I’ll share here the nuggets of what I’ve learned about a successful vision board experience. I draw on two contradictory sources of information–Martha Beck and Jack Canfield. The distinction is how you use the tool. One view is you lean intuitively into putting images on there when you don’t even know what they are, and then keep it in the background–something to explore occasionally to see what is coming up. The second view is to very intentionally and specifically articulate your goals, and then keep that vision front and center in your life so you see it every day. Which path feels right to you? That’s the one to choose!

PART ONE: CREATIVE YOUR VISION BOARD

Create a vision board that represents who you are. Choose words, visions in your head. Write them or sketch them yourself. Or search for them online. Aim for deep resonance. Less is more.

Be as specific as possible. Watch out for what you put on a vision board because you just might get it. The more specific you are, the more you can focus on that vision. The more vague you are, you leave up to the universe to interpret your dreams. And the version of that dream might not actually be what you are hoping for. For example, you could wish for “adventure” and end up having instability in your life that is definitely an adventure but a pathway of adversity rather than excitement.

OR

Use your intuition to find images. Turn magazines upside down and just notice what colors, photos and words you are drawn to find. Or squint your eyes to filter out some of your conscious mind. Keep the brain out of it. Don’t question what you find. Just put it out there and be curious how it makes sense months from now. Focus on your breath and how your body is resonating what what is coming up for you. Martha Beck says:  “Knowing what that thing is will not help you as much as picking it without thought.” Don’t question what you know from an intuitive place. Put down all the messages–the more nonsensical the better

Building Vision Boards at Pendle Hill Conference Center, February 2020

PART TWO: USING YOUR VISION BOARD

FOCUS ON IT: Jack Kanfield says to keep that vision board front and center. Put it by your bedside, or where you brush your teeth. Check in with it daily. Visualize your dreams before you fall asleep each night. Affirm the words and the images. Picture your dreams as if they are already present.

OR DON’T FOCUS ON IT. Martha Beck says, don’t push too hard. Let the magic happen behind the scenes. Stop thinking about what you want out of life. Instead of “results-oriented energy” trust that the process is in motion. Keep that vision board in the background. But remain active with your goals. Take steps toward the dreams but also trust that the magic of the universe is also helping you along. Think if it as a set of images that brings you joy rather than dwelling on the outcomes.

rumination REQUIRES RE-CONNECTION

Clients often ask me how to know when it is the inner critic and when it is your own inner truth. This struggle can be especially problematic with academics, whom are trained to over use their brains. An inner critic voice often has some of these properties: mean, harsh, stuck in binaries, judging and demeaning, repetitive, persistent, draws on previous failures, sounds like critical people from your past, creates feelings of anxiety and worry, and/or sounds like perfectionism.

We can know our inner critic is spinning when we can’t stop the thought in our minds. The struggle is to stop the replay “tapes in our heads”—to review difficult moments in our lives over and over, as if doing so will change the outcome, or allow us to say the “right” thing this time.Known as rumination, we can obsess over these struggles and stay stuck in the past. We can never change what happened. Rumination just keeps us feeling miserable. Ongoing rumination raises anxiety, which interferes with problem solution.

Sometimes the warning of inner critics were important for former times of our life but are no longer valid. Perhaps we lived in times of physical or emotional danger. We carry with us alarm bells into newer, safer situations. Thank these alarm bells when you notice them. Acknowledge their purpose in your life and also intentionally notice the skills and the supports that you now have that no longer make them needed.

The most central query when unsure is to ask if that voice and that message is lifting you up and giving you energy, or tearing you down. Our inner nature is never to destroy ourselves. An inner critic voice tends to feel harsh, mean, negative, binary, and focuses on “not enough,”

Another tactic is to tap into our bodies, which possess innate ways of knowing.Tapping into knowledge below our chins can be a great way of discerning what is our deeper truth. The truth within ourselves is much bigger than our minds. In fact, our bodies give us great insights all of the time that we tend to take for granted. Consider how different parts of our bodies help us to know truth. Our hands may be shaking during an important conversation.

We know something is true from a “gut feeling.” Our throat constricts when we feel silenced. These sensations are driven by the stimulation of the vagus nerve. The largest organ in the autonomic nervous system.  that communicates with the threat, lungs, heart, stomach, liver, pancreas,  and gut. Called the “soul nerve” , the vagus nerve informs our consciousness the ways we are just beginning to understand. It also is part of the process that tells the body when to fight, flight or freeze. Much of these signals are out of conscious awareness. Yet, with practice, attending to our gut feelings can help us to discern  messages our body are sending to us, as well as to intentionally calm messages to reduce stress response.

We can step away from rumination by reconnecting below the neck–through drawing our attention back to our bodies and the emotional reactions within them. Tara Brach refers to the process as RAIN—Recognizing the emotion, Allow its Presence. Investigate with curiosity, Nurture with Compassion.  The process acknowledges the feeling but meets it with compassion rather than rejection. If we catch ourselves repeating a thought or problem without resolution, our first step is to notice it. It does not help to berate ourselves for that as well. Instead, we can just notice, “There it is again.”

Our next step is to exit the “negative memory network” in which negativity feeds upon itself and grows. Rumination tends to be triggered by mood. We can recall positive times when we faced similar struggles and ask our support network to help us to remember times when we succeeded.   To pull ourselves away from our tapes, it helps to take in the present moment.

Mel Robbinshttps://melrobbins.com/five-elements-5-second-rule/ suggests a similar pattern of disruption by counting backwards from 5. It has to be backwards, she says, and by 1, we are in the present moment and the tape is cut off. We are conscious and able to make our own choices of what we choose to think in that moment. We can then choose a positive image or concept to replace the negative one.

GETTING UNSTUCK: Productivity in the time of COVID

As the COVID world has become the new normal, we find ourselves having to get work done that has been put on a long delay.

For some, this challenge is happening in a crowded space. Children underfoot or needing help with homeschooling. Dogs barking. Multiple zoom meetings happening for different family members. For others living alone, COVID can feel like an isolation that shrinks the walls and slows the brain. Old habits no longer work. The coffee shop is no longer an option for changing scenery.

What can successful work look like in a COVID world? While we might need to shrink our expectations of what work looks like in our new reality, we find ourselves needing to make progress. Due to external deadlines and also to feel a sense of purpose. Here are a few strategies for feeling a personal sense of accomplishment, no matter your set up.

Begin with your heaviest weight.

The best way to complete meaningful work each day is to begin with the tough stuff. Do the task that is your greatest stressor first. The one that matters the most–the one that is weighing on you. The tasks that leaves a pit in your stomach because you ignore it.

Pay yourself first in your day and do the hardest work when you are freshest. Do not check the easy items off of your “to-do” list. When you have your carved out precious writing time, do the hard stuff. Tackling that project will ease the anxiety, make you feel like you are in control of your destiny. You can make steady progress on your goals, visiting with your real work. Every day.

Conditions to set the mood. Notice the conditions that make your most important work easiest to do.  What conditions help you to work well? For example, music can help us to connect with a particular mood or mindset . Consider using the same playlist when working on a project over a few months It might be with particular music that helps you to focus. Or consider the same white noise if you do not like music.

I tend to listen to Pink Floyd when I can’t seem to be productive. I don’t even usually listen to Pink Floyd. But it gets my writing processes flowing and I am able to do the tough thinking stuff.

Also notice your blocks and barriers to successful work time. Notice when you make unnecessary rules that block meaningful work opportunities. You can write even if your inbox is full. Even if your kitchen is dirty. Even if your phone is ringing. Notice what habits or conditions pull you out of focus. Turn off the internet on your computer. Leave your cell phone in another room. Set a timer to reward yourself for staying focused longer.

Perhaps you find yourself in a funk. Change it up. Take responsibility. Write anyway but with a new habit. Save habits that you enjoy for rewards when completing a project. Savor the victory.

Taking on some challenges to alter your usual rhythms can provide experiments in how to improve writing quality and to shrink the amount of time necessary to complete your work. Some experiments to try:

  • Shrink your “meaningful work” windows. Finding time also includes changing mental models of how much time is needed for quality work, and especially writing. Research indicates that daily attention to the tough work you need to get done is much more effective than blocking out a giant chunk of time once a week. Challenge yourself to see how small of a time window can be used for meaningful work. Even a half an hour is enough to write one paragraph. Push yourself to break your own record in efficiency in small time periods. See if this strategy can work for you.
  • Ride the energy flow. Dive in deep for short spurts of time when you are feeling especially productive. When you find yourself in a period of time when your energy is particularly high and the work is flowing, honor this energy shift and write as much as you can. Ride the inspiration wave. Cancel other plans when possible. Ask for support from loved ones. Such a wave of energy will not last forever, so treasure it and slide into the flow of writing.
  • Create a “meaningful work” cocoon. Shut your office door when you are working. Place a post-it not one it to not be disturbed.
  • Create accountability structures. Rely on friends to ask you about your deadlines. Work in the company of others–online if need be. Ask colleagues to ask you about your progress. Set deadlines for others to read about your work. Hire a writing/life coach to help you to prioritize your goals and to stick to them.
  • End each “meaningful work” session with a note to yourself of how to jump in and get started substantively. Give yourself a question to answer for the next day. Note in your work where to begin the next time and give yourself a clear task as a starting off point.

Whether it be mastering your schedule, creating boundaries, or trying on new ways of writing, the goal is become a student of your habits. Notice what is working, what problems you create for yourself, and be brave to try on new habits.

ENERGY HITS FOR EXTROVERTS IN THE NEW NORMAL

I am an extrovert junkie. When I felt too ordinary or sluggish, I seek adventure. I yearn for the energy of a crowd. “Self-care” for me when I feel resltess is to look for a place for connection with others. Attending a lecture, watching a movie in a crowded, dancing in a busy night club. Even when I needed to work, I would reconnect to my mojo by sitting int he middle of the busiest coffee shop and feel the buzz of the people around me.

I was proud of the way I would take care of myself in the pre-COVID world. I could reset by surrounding myself with others.

The pandemic world offers a few opportunities for that sort of energy injection. I miss the spontaneity to  go into the world and pull some energy out of it. It was the way I knew to rev up my engine. To find some sparkle. My “go-to” tools for self-care have vanished.

I struggle with what exhilaration looks like in the world of fewer human interactions. I hike with one person instead of running a race with thousands. I picnic with a friend instead of hosting a dinner party. I ask for hugs my teenagers more than they might like because I haven’t hugged a friend in seven months.

In the first months of COVID, I felt these losses deeply. Even when I thought I was embracing stillness, I was actually numb.  Numb is not the same as open.

On a solo hike last week, I started trekking up a steep ridge. Suddenly, I remembered the value of surrender. I asked out loud what I need to learn from this time of stillness. How can an extrovert thrive in this new world? How can I embrace life right now, rather than fight it?

As I pushed myself up that ridge, I tapped into my body and found it struggling. My limbs were telling me that they were suffering from the effects of the adrenalin hits that I had asked of it for so long in my life. In the pre-COVID world I would push my body by attending high-intensity fitness classes that would drench me to the bone. I would dance the night away with friends while drinking alcohol. The endorphins in the moment felt wonderful. But afterward, I wouldn’t sleep well those evenings. I was stiff and sore the next day. In the COVID world, I break my exercise into multiple smaller efforts throughout the day. It gives me structure to my day and my body doesn’t scream back at me the next day. I am changing.

I also acknowledge that, while I am yearning to see my son shine his light on the soccer field, I was tired of the endless travel to games hours away every weekend. I had come to hate being in a car. I had secretly yearned for weeks of nothing on our calendar on the weekends (be careful what you wish for!)

I almost feels like the universe is playing a joke on me of asking me to show up and all of the ways that I’ve coached on for so long about trusting the process. Seeing the same walls in my house day after day has caused me to dive deep into the reservoirs of what peace and inner wisdom truly mean.

I remember a Quaker elder teaching me the value of discipline. The need to face truth and to seek guidance from places broader than our minds daily–even when we would rather not. Discipline means seeking and making habits of opening up. It means trusting that the truth that is bigger than ourselves is safe and diving and can be more beautiful than what we fear.

Much like the birthing process that my doula taught me  long ago, I have to remind myself to say “open” through this time of great change—even when I want to shy away and stay closed down. When I consciously open, I find myself more able to trust the process.

It’s not about being an expert at this. It’s about being okay with struggle. It’s about trying.

I try to stay curious. I try to find wondering in the smaller spaces. I try to write in my gratitude journal at the end of each day.

By promising to try I am finding ways to remember that I am not alone. In fact, this is probably one of the few times in history where our greatest stressor is shared globally. We are sharing a collective grief, but we also are sharing the grace of collective healing and purpose amidst the chaos.

I am trying others how they are doing more. I am trying seek spaces to talk about how others are struggling but even more, turning the conversation to how they are learning to thrive in new ways of being. I ask others what opportunities they are finding. What surprising grace they experience. By holding others “in the light” as we Quakers say,  can try to lift others up, and in doing so we also lift up ourselves.

By finding connectivity, in connection as well as in silence and meditation, I can find a calmer, more steady replacement for my energy hits that I crave. I can find that inter-web of relationship with the broader world. Through spirit and energy, I can seek the synchronicity and grace that are a mystery. The space of curiosity and seeking—that is the magic that will get us all through these days.

Ready to open up to possibility? Email me at dana@danamitra.net.

Normal is gone–what is next for you?

The arrival of fall shook me awake.  Fall is usually a time of switching gears. It is a return to work habits and productivity after the slower habits of summertime. The weather cools. The air shifts.  

This shift in seasons brings with it a time of resetting our intentions. Yet, the pandemic continues.

I realized that I had been holding my breath all summer. I was still treating the pandemic as a short term crisis. I was holding my breath.

By shutting off the fearful feelings, I was shutting off the positive energy too. I was numbing myself to all of the feelings associated with such a deep change. I stopped most of my regular, including blogging, meditation, attending Quaker worship, and pouring energy into my coaching practice.

I find that I am finally moving from resistance to surrender. I am ready to ask the universe, what does this crisis teach me? What can it teach all of us?

We are in the deep, dark middle part of coping with the pandemic. Brene’ Brown talks about this part of our collective journey as Day Two. The challenge is here, and the resolution is not in sight.  

We are wrestling with our souls and being forced to change our ways of being. We are grieving and struggling. Old patterns no longer fit our new reality.

We find ourselves in an expectant waiting. In this collective searching, we can move from resistance to surrender. We can ask, “What am I here to learn and how can I serve in this moment?”

Gifts are present in the darkness. The burning down of the old debris will allow new ways of being to grow. We can admit that we have no idea what’s coming. It’s not what we expected it would be.

When things are falling apart, we have a greater space to try on new ways of being. We shed old ways of knowing. Ways of being that no longer fit. Step away from relationships that drain us.  In times of great change, the gift is that we have no extra energy to pull inauthentic burdens along.

Ways of showing up in the world that at once felt too risky become necessary. We need to be brave enough to turn to a new path. To accept what we cannot change but also to open ourselves up to expansion of who we can become.

Grace is greater. The pathway forward is willingness to commit to creative solutions.

Through commitment to such brave work, we can discern matters to us. We must make up things as we go. Find playfulness and acceptance as we learn. We can find kindness towards ourselves and to others as we try on new shapes and roles.

I challenge you to dive into the possibility of who you are meant to be in this moment. To  take on what you have been avoiding. Knowing that “normal” is gone, what a beautiful moment to try on a new way of being.

Whether you know deep down in your soul what you are yearning for. Or you are stuck and ready to gain the tools to find that inspiration. Use the gift of this change in seasons to bravely step into your best version of yourself.

Ready to find your new normal? Let’s talk! Reach out to me at dana@danamitra.net.

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