Category: decision making

Panic in the Pandemic. Dana Mitra is a faculty coach, career, coach, and leadership coach. She specializes in coaching academics, women leaders, and professionals making career changes. She coaches on purpose, balance and productivity. She is an experienced researcher and professor, with 20 years in the industry.
coaching/decision making/inner critic

The ‘And Then What?’: Moving Beyond Your Fear of Failure

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We all know the feeling. That knot of anxiety that tightens when you consider launching the new project, starting a difficult conversation, or putting yourself out there in a new career direction. It’s the fear of failure, and it stops more dreams than any actual setback ever could.

As the incredible Brené Brown has taught us through her research, any conversation about courage is inseparable from vulnerability, which naturally includes the possibility of failure. Most of us have built entire lives around avoiding that feeling. We think: What if this thing I’ve been building falls apart? My career? My relationship? This paralyzing fear makes us afraid to take the necessary risks for growth.

The Power of the Simple Question

I remember a conversation with my own coach that completely shifted my perspective:

My coach asked me once: “What would happen if this fell apart?”

“I would fall apart. It would be awful,” I responded.

“And then what?” she said.

That was the turning point. The fall is hard, yes, but we are designed to rise. We can move forward from almost any disaster. A conscious focus on the “and then what?” moment—rather than fixating on the fall itself—is the courage injection we all need to be brave.

 

Your 4-Step Action Plan to Map Out Fear

To truly conquer this fear, we have to pull it out of the shadows and look at it under a bright light. Combining the strategic thinking of Tim Ferriss (Fear Setting) with the resilience focus of Angela Duckworth (Grit), here are four steps to help you map out and neutralize your fear of failure:

  1. Define the Fear as Precisely as Possible: Don’t just say, “I’m afraid of failing.” Get specific. What is the worst possible outcome? (e.g., “I will lose $X and have to take a less-desirable job.”)
  2. What Steps Could Prevent the Failure? Now, be practical. List 2-3 specific, protective actions you can take right now to minimize the chances of that specific disaster. (e.g., “Set a hard budget limit of $X,” or “Get a second opinion from a mentor.”)
  3. What Might the Fall Feel Like? Acknowledge the emotional impact. It’s okay to admit it will be painful, embarrassing, or frustrating. Name the feelings so they don’t ambush you later.
  4. What Would the Moment After the Fall Look Like—The “And Then What?” Moment? This is the most crucial step. How would you pick yourself up? List the recovery steps. Are there potential advantages or upsides to this failure? (e.g., “I would learn a powerful lesson about budgeting,” or “I would finally realize this path wasn’t for me and have clarity to pursue something new.”)

What you will likely discover is this: What you fear is rarely as catastrophic as your mind expects. Your resilience is your superpower. Your ability to move on is far greater than your anxiety gives you credit for.

Don’t let the fear of a hypothetical ‘fall’ keep you grounded. Set your intention on the powerful ‘and then what’ and take the leap.

 Ready to Take the Next Step?

Would you like to brainstorm specific “and then what?” recovery plans for a project or risk you’re currently facing? I’d be happy to help you map it out.

academia/academic coaching/boundaries/coaching/decision making/faculty/find yourself/life coaching/purpose/values

Alignment, Synergy and Flow

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arrows coming together to sumbolize synergy, alignment, flowThe concepts of Alignment, Synergy, and Flow have been a big theme for me and my clients recently.
At its core, this is about balancing discipline with a willingness to align with the world around us. It’s the difference between forcing things and finding your rhythm.
Forcing comes from a place of desperation and frustration. Flow comes from purpose and intention.
It’s a daily practice of reducing the noise and building the capacity to see the longer view. This allows us to make discerning choices rather than just push forward.

Here is a breakdown of each concept and how they work in concert:

1. Alignment

Definition: Alignment is the state where all components of a system—goals, values, actions, and resources—are organized and directed toward a single, common purpose or vision.

  • In Business: This means aligning departmental goals, projects, and employee efforts with the overarching strategic vision. For a leader, it means aligning their daily actions with the company’s core mission.
  • In Personal Life: This is often referred to as “Flow Alignment” or “Energetic Alignment.” It is the congruence between your authentic self, your core values, your beliefs, and your actions. When you are personally aligned, you are living a life true to your purpose.
  • The Role of Alignment: Alignment is the foundation or the “right direction.” It ensures that energy is not wasted on conflicting or irrelevant activities. It makes sure that all the “oars are pulling in the same direction.”

2. Synergy

Definition: Synergy is the concept that the combined effect of two or more agents, forces, or elements is greater than the sum of their individual effects. Mathematically, it’s often expressed as .

  • In Business: This is the collaboration among individuals or departments that produces a result significantly better than if they had worked in isolation. It often involves combining complementary strengths to cover weaknesses.
  • In Personal Life: This can refer to the positive, amplifying effect when different parts of your life (e.g., your passion, your career, your relationships) reinforce and energize one another. For example, a hobby that improves a skill you use at work.
  • The Role of Synergy: Synergy is the multiplier or the “extra power.” It is the powerful outcome that results fromthings being correctly aligned.

3. Flow

Definition: Flow, in this context, refers to a state of smooth, continuous, and effortless motion or operation. It often relates to the psychological “Flow State” (coined by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi), which is a state of deep immersion and enjoyment in an activity.

  • In Business: It’s a frictionless operation where processes, information, and communication move smoothly without bottlenecks, confusion, or conflict. Decision-making is rapid and effective.
  • In Personal Life: It is the feeling of being “in the zone,” where you are fully present, actions feel effortless, and you experience deep satisfaction and productivity. Time seems to disappear.
  • The Role of Flow: Flow is the experience or the “effortless momentum.” It is the result of both alignment and synergy being successfully achieved.

The Complete Connection

When these three concepts are present, a powerful cycle is created:

  1. Alignment Synergy: When all parts of a system (people, goals, resources) are aligned toward the same clear objective, their combined efforts naturally create synergy—their strengths complement one another, and their output exceeds expectations.
  2. Synergy Flow: This highly efficient, reinforcing interaction (synergy) reduces friction and resistance, leading to a state of flow where work or life feels effortless, engaging, and highly productive.
  3. Flow Alignment: The positive feedback and success experienced in the state of flow further reinforce the shared vision and correct course, strengthening the initial alignment and ensuring the cycle continues.

In essence, Alignment sets the course, Synergy provides the power, and Flow is the optimal experience and speed of the journey.

Dana Mitra in tree roots
academic coaching/coaching/decision making/find yourself

Cycles of life

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A friend saw a photo of me from 8 years ago, and she complimented me on how the person I am now seems to be so much more assured and beautiful from within and without. The comment surprised me, because that was a time in my life were it all clicked. I felt like a leader.

I used to think that growing up was about solidifying who we are. Adding wisdom. Adding experiences to a person that was constant. I now believe that life and identity occur in cycles. That photo came from a time of mastery. I felt like I belonged—everywhere. I felt at the center of all the parts of my life. I had the best collaborator in my research. I had friends and plans and had a clear purpose with my kids.

Eight years later, I find myself moving through a new cycle. We build until that form no longer fits. Much like a crab that has molted its hard exterior, we shed our skin and build anew. Over and over again. We build new versions of ourselves as we change and life changes around us.

Research on life cycles abounds. Astrologists view life cycles as as seven year patterns; numerologists have nine year patterns. Others focus on the framework of a life cycle. Molly Mahar offers a four part cycles of life that I find helpful. The parts are unrest, destruction, growth, mastery.

We begin a new cycle when we feel unease. The unease can come from within. It may also be due to all that is shifting around us. In times of unease and We can ignore the unease until the shift hits us over the head, or we can lean into it. Regardless, we have seasons of destruction. Some can be devastating. Some can be joyful. Some can provide clarity and sometimes confusion.

We are all emerging from the pandemic in a world in which hate is allowed to be spoken so freely. Many of us are questioning how we want to engage with the outer world after our time of isolation. For me, it is also a time when both my parents and my children have moved physically into new phases of their lives. My workplace also looks different and feels different. My colleagues and students are renegotiating their relationship to work, as am I. My own purpose in relation to all of these components of my life have shifted as they shift.

As I move from the “doing” phase of the destruction–the moving of family members, the masking and the vaccinating, the learning to teach online and then learning to teach in person again, the imposed removal of social interaction.

The constant doing of destruction has abated for me. And I am feeling the “now what?” growth phase. This phase feels vulnerable but also has more possibility to grow into a whole range of possibilities. Instead of feeling assured, I have a lot of questions about all of my roles, all of my identities, and who are my “people” in this new era.I have both endured, embraced, and even celebrated the destruction of old ways.

My growth this time will build upon former cycles. We don’t start over. It’s more of a spiral of building upon the foundations of the past. I will rebuild upon my own deep hard work of former cycles. Cycles in which I learned how to befriend my shadow self. How to find orphaned “parts” of my Self that have been scared and vulnerable since childhood. How to breathe. How to connect with my ancestors. How to use sound and rhythm and meditation to find deeper answers.

Enjoying the journey is all the rage, and yet I do admit I love feeling mastery. And the mastery will come again. Yet it is all the other parts of the cycle where the learning really occurs. Where I have the chance to show up and grow. To do better. Be better. As I move again toward mastery, I must focus on gratitude. On the evolving and emerging synergies. Thank myself for all of the work and evolving that I have done to allow me to serve the world and myself in a more authentic way.

Working through a new cycle? A coach can help you along the way. Contact me at dana@danamitra.net to learn more.

"we are not our flaws. We are not our fears."
breath work healing/decision making/find yourself

Forgiveness Relieves Anxiety

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Many of us have struggled with anxiety during a rough patch in my life. People very important to us can cause us to lose trust in them, and in turn, I lost trust in ourselves.

Anxiety can lead to dreading social situations. To being short fused and unfair to my closest people in our lives. We might not feel like we cam manage our moods. We might feel like a ships drifting about with no control of whether the next wave would knock us over. The world was doing things TO us. Wehad no control over it.

Forgiveness is the gateway to get my health back.

Holding on to the pain and hurt is the greatest struggle–far after the cause of the pain left the scene. Anxiety comes from trying to control things we cannot control. We beat ourselve up by replaying the wrongs and squeezing on to them rather than setting them free.

Sometimes we aren’t ready to forgive because we believe other people were wrong. It wasn’t okay that they said what they said. Did what they did. They should have huge regrets for how they acted. There should be consequences. Because otherwise, where was the justice in this world?

The shift can come through  sitting in stillness and silence.

Forgivieess is never about  other person. About holding that person in a kinder light.

It can be about that. But whether wewish the other person goodness or karma, we don’t ever get to determine how they experience what they did and said. We can’t control how they feel about anything. Wishing and hoping they feel anything at all is futile.

What we can control is ourselves.  Physical discomfort and pain is made by ourselves. Own the resentment. The anger. The anxiety. The choice.

All of that energy may never land for “them”, but it grows in us when I don’t let it go. It sucks the life out  and prevents us from showing up.

To be well and happy,we forgive.

So that we can be free and strong and dream of brighter futures and bigger and better ways of being. So that we can invest all the people who lift me up and value my energy and love.

We can fully decide that we will consciously turn from fear to light. We will seek peace and serenity for ourselves  That choice can set usfree.

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Ready to get unstuck? Message me for a free consultation or email dana@danamitra.net

decision making/find yourself/gratitude/inner critic/life coaching/purpose/values

Weeding Our Emotional Gardens

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Doing the tough stuff of change in our lives reminds me of work in my garden at the end of the season. I can celebrate the beautiful blooming that has happened over the course of the year. I can marvel at the growth in the blooms and all of the ways that nature has chosen to expand the beautiful

I also need to notice the parts that are not thriving. That despite my love and money and effort, some things were not able to grow in my space. In some spaces I had been trying to grow something for years but nothing seems to take. Others were neglected or the victim of happenstance–a patch of mildew or a bad storm.

In the garden, at the end of the season, we need to take stock of the places that we need to remove the plants that have failed to thrive. It can be hard work extracting that stuff. I can feel sad because we planted those living things with hope. Some take a few tugs and are gone without a thought. Others have rootballs that can take hours to extract. The tree stumps need professional help.

Once the hard work of getting rid of the stuff that didn’t take is done, there are empty spaces. We can be viewed as space is a possibility. Spaces of unknown they give opportunity for growth. For the healthy plants to spread out and stretch become even more glorious. Or a time to plant new seedlings and try again.

I can feel really impatient, noting that those spaces are not filled with joy yet. I have found myself focusing on the empty spaces instead of seeing the beauty of the plants around them. When we focus on the empty, and sometimes we can’t help ourselves, it can feel lonely. Maybe the spaces leave the garden feeling vulnerable to outsiders. Exposed. Unsure. What might others think about the failure?

Then there’s all the time and effort invested in those spaces. No matter how much was invested that failed, we need to move forward and think about how we can grow the garden. I can choose more wisely what to plant now based on what I’ve learned.

When I find myself stuck in looking at the empty spaces, I need to breathe air into growing the new. Into celebrating and focusing on the beauty of what is there. The gratitude for what works. And promise patience and grace for the spaces I haven’t figured it out yet. Waiting. Hoping. Trying again with new wisdom.
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Feeling stuck? I can help you get from where you are to where you want to be. Contact me for a free coaching session to see the possibilities at dana@danamitra.net

mosaic pattern in a place in India.
boundaries/coaching/decision making/life coaching/purpose/values

Boundaries

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One of the hardest parts of “adulting” is placing boundaries when you need them. The more important the person, the harder the work.

They say in coaching that you get the clients that you need. I wonder if that’s true with all relationships. Our child needed–and still needs–parents with a much more rigid line than we like to take. We had to focus on absolute consistency. It provided safety and scaffolding. The scaffolding included a nonnegotiable bedtime. Clear expectations and visible consequences. Without these boundaries, our lives would fall into chaos, and we would suffer the consequences of a miserable child.

The same is true for the business world. I had a client recently tell me, “I think my staff is waiting for me to make some rules. They will be relieved when I do.” And even with that knowledge, it’s still hard to do.

I don’t like that part of relationships—parenting, friendships, business. I don’t want to be the “heavy.” I don’t like rigid rules myself. I find myself putting my energy toward wishing that I didn’t need to do this important work –why can’t the other person change so I don’t have to do the work?

The paradox is with boundaries is that the tough up-front work is what sets us free. They can give us back our energy long term instead of handing it away over and over because we didn’t do the work.

Holding the boundaries requires self-care. Enough energy to do what might be harder up front but takes care of issues down the line. Remembering the boundaries and keeping them firm.

What boundaries and tough conversations are you avoiding? How does that serve you? You know it’s a big one if you hit an emotional block –queasy stomach, resentment, discomfort. Huge signs that your boundaries needs some adjustment. Avoiding the tough conversations doesn’t make them go away, they just get buried in our selves and multiply. We carry our unfinished work into all of the other relationships in our lives.

Be curious about all of those clear signs from your body that there’s some tough work to do. And you might not want to go it alone.

decision making/purpose/values

Half Assery as a Form of Excellence

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I work with a lot of clients who strive to be the very best they can be. Often they are burnt out, spinning their wheels, and exhausted.

I encourage these stressed souls to embrace Half Assery as much as Bad Assery. Not everything in our lives can be an A+. We should intentionally settle for pass/fail when we can. Know where life must be an A+; where your passions lie and you want the A+. But also give yourself permission to just skate by on the parts of life that do not bring you joy and do not require your best effort.

Especially during the holiday season, where doing it all perfectly can seem to be the unspoken expectation in the head of so many. By resting during the “need to” parts, we can save our energy and bandwith for the “love to” parts.
Today, I took my sixteen-year-old daughter with me to Baptiste Yoga—a form of yoga that is very intense, with high expectations of pushing yourself as far as you can. But we are running a half marathon tomorrow.

So, I told her we were going to stay for the whole class but work on being mediocre. Her eyes grew big, her body tensed. “Nope,” I said. ”We have permission to fail gloriously today.”

I’ve never felt so light and free in a yoga class When the rest of the class sank deeper into chair pose, I rose up higher. When others took a downward dog, I snuggled into child’s pose. It felt joyful. My daughter laughed throughout the class. Why on earth have I taken yoga so seriously all the time? And the kicker was, by being totally playful and relaxed, we still did about 90% of the poses, but had way more fun doing so.

Pass/fail instead of A+ can feel delicious. Let it be a gift to yourself. Be intentional about it. The space and rest you create with your Half Assery will allow you to then joyfully choose when you are ready to shine your light to the absolute fullest. And that is the greatest gift of all.

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Red tin star
boundaries/decision making/gratitude/values

Beware of Red Tin Stars

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We romanticize our past. Often what we remember is a story we tell ourselves, bloated with nostalgia-what we wish had happened. These memories can hold us back from embracing today. We find ourselves longing for a moment that never actually happened. It keeps us stuck in previous ways of being instead of taking the brave steps toward an unknown future that is bigger than we could ever know.

My friend BJ shared with me the story of her red tin star-a Christmas tree ornament she longed to retrieve from her ex-husband. She remembered it as antique, with beautiful dappled light peeking out. It carried great sentimental value, and she longed to have it in her new home. When BJ received the star, it was nothing like she had remembered. It was cheap plastic. A shell of the memory she held in her head.

Since that moment, BJ uses the phrase Red Tin Stars when she finds herself thinking longingly of what once was. It helps her to realize that each memory has many versions–stories of nostalgia, stories of happiness, and stories of regret.

Rather than looking back to memories that might fail us, we can stay present in what we can build today. The Red Tin Star reminds us that what we remember as sweet and perfect has all the flaws of any moment. Better to find gratitude in this day and build toward a future that shines bright just as we hope it can.

Ready to make the most of today? Contact me for a free coaching session to see what it feels like to make time for the growth you have been desiring. dana@danamitralnet

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